Infertility is an interesting thing. While it is becoming
more common, or maybe just more publicly talked about, it isn’t typically
something couples share as common ground within a group of friends. It’s also not
something most would consider a possibility. Most people make the decision
that they want to start a family, and within a few months to a year, it usually
happens.
It didn’t happen that way for Nic and me. Just as I was
turning 25 and just shy of our one year anniversary, we decided it was time to
start trying. The thing I never want to forget is that this wasn’t something we
had ever talked about or considered prior to this time. But like lightening, it
was in a very specific moment we knew the Lord would have us start trying. So
we did. After about 9 months, I was starting to have feelings that something
might be wrong. I of course ignored it, thinking I was worrying for nothing,
but the feeling was there. So we kept trying, each month filled with
disappointment. The definition of infertility is not being able to conceive
after one year of actively trying. After that first year, I knew we were infertile. And after about 14 months, we
knew it was time to see an infertility specialist.
We began the onslaught of tests that accompany every
infertility investigation. Each of us went through different appointments and
testing to find out what was causing our infertility. I'm just going to put out there, my testing was MUCH more extensive than Nic's :). What we found was that
each of us contributed to the problem. 40% of infertility is caused by women,
40% is caused by men, and 20% is unexplained. While my heart broke to have it
confirmed that we were infertile, I felt a certain peace that we knew what we
were dealing with.
Eventually my doctor understood enough about our case to be able to tell us that
our chances of getting pregnant without IVF (in-vitro
fertilization) were highly unlikely. This was her way of telling us we would
never have children without major scientific involvement. If my heart was
broken before, it broke even more in this moment. There was not any part of me
that wanted to take on something as invasive and expensive as IVF. I may as
well have heard that I would never be able to get pregnant. It loomed in front
of me like an enemy, and I resolved to do everything I could to avoid it. In my
mind, I convinced myself that surely the Lord would not want that for us. So,
Nic and I tried everything else. We both had surgical procedures done to
correct our respective problems, and then we tried IUI (inter-uterine
insemination) multiple times. We also never gave up hope of conceiving on our
own. Unfortunately, doing IUI put me back to the same level I was during that
first year. The excitement and hope was exhilarating, but each time we learned
it didn’t work, the disappointment and confusion nearly overcame us.
The hardest part of
this experience, like most trials, was the inability to understand the lesson
the Lord wanted us to learn. Was this not one of His first commandments, to
multiply and replenish the earth? The main reason Nic and I started trying was
because the Lord told us to do so. Why would we not be able to do something the
Lord has commanded? I was not the type to get jealous when I saw others around
me having kids or playing with their kids. I didn’t dream of nurseries or baby
clothes. I didn’t feel like my biological clock was ticking in that way. But I
knew having children was a commandment and it was one I wanted to keep. What I did begin to
want was to see a little boy running around with Nic’s eyes and mischievous grin.
So why didn’t the Lord allow us to get pregnant? I began sinking into a pit of
inadequacy and loneliness. I somehow convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough
to mother His children and that He didn’t trust me. Why else would he not allow
something to happen that he had 100 percent control over? I wasn’t angry; never
was I angry. But I was so confused and hurt. It literally felt like my feelings
were hurt, and I didn’t know how to make myself feel better. What had I done in
this life to make the Lord feel this way about me?
The second hardest part of this experience was having those
around us tell us they knew how we felt. How was that possible? None of them
had ever gone through this particular experience; how could they know how it
felt? Stories of infertile people they knew that had gotten pregnant began to grate
on me like nails on a chalkboard. I wanted to scream at people that our
infertility had NOTHING to do with not being relaxed. Now, with a logical head,
I know these stories were told to us out of love and because really, nobody
knew what else to say. And why would they? They had not gone through this
particular trial before. But like loved ones do, they tried what they could to
make us feel better. And that’s why family and friends are the best.
We kept our infertility to ourselves, even from our immediate
family, for the first couple of years. We didn’t know how to deal with it
ourselves, and certainly didn’t know how to deal with it with a bunch of people
around us asking questions and wanting to know progress. Eventually, we let people
know and when we did, we were ready for the questions and concerns, and
sincerely appreciated it. We also eventually readied ourselves for IVF. It took
the trying of every other possibility we could dream of, but eventually IVF was
the only option left. So after sincere prayer, we knew IVF was the next step.
We began the IVF process in June and while I won’t go into details, it wasn’t
the best experience of my life. But it
wasn’t the worst either. Think 2-3 shots in your stomach every day for 2 weeks,
6 different pill prescriptions and a shot in my derriere for 10 weeks. It was
awesome.
But, at this point it was worth it. Because after 4 years of trying, below is the first picture
of the two little ones currently growing inside of my tummy.
And here is the first ultrasound of the little buggers as they began their journey of development to become a human from the interesting organisms above :).
And here I am at 17 weeks. I'm big. Remember there's two in there. And they're both little boys :).
What I've learned, for the hundreth time I'm sure, is that we are on the Lord's timetable. Even though we felt ready 4 years ago, the Lord needed us to learn a few things. We needed to be spiritually ready to raise two of His sons in the gospel, and maybe these last 4 years gave us that. It sure taught us patience. And faith. And more patience and more faith. I also believe we now have a greater love for each other. With this experience, Nic and I grew closer to each other and to the Lord than we would have otherwise. And I learned again that I need to have trust in Him always, even when my feelings are hurt.
